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i'm thankful for not having all the answers
and for hurting when nothing else would make sense
but to hurt.
if ever i had been content, i would have ever been without you.
i'm thankful for lack and for loss
and most importantly for being incomplete
inside of me.
if never had i been empty, i would have never been complete in finding you.

i'm thankful for pain.
you make it go away.
i'm thankful for tears.
you kiss them from me.
i'm thankful for every sting.
you pull me close and heal me.

i am thankful for all the horrible parts of life that kill me
because you resurrect me every time.

still for every evil,
most of all,
i'm thankful for you.

when my heart aches, you give me feeling.

we are all complex.
our hearts, our minds are divided.
even physically, divided,
the heart with its chambers and
the mind with its halves.
we breathe; we suffocate,
simultaneously.
we pump our blood and our thoughts
through different channels.
until it agrees on what it wants.
indecision breeds in the process.
indecision must be overcome.
indecision makes bad choices.
indecision inactively decides.
apathy and defeatism-
they break our bones while we lie motionless.
hope is a ghost, and we give it up.

why do i feel such a strong connection with the past and a heightened spiritual state during the Autumn and specifically the period of time that falls in the confines of October? something happens to me every year where the i become increasingly more aware of the natural world around me. i get depressed but hopeful. i feel pain and love simultaneously. i lose myself in the world around me. the cold feels good on my skin and inside me. my body changes. my heart swells. something about this time of year makes me feel the kind of alive that leaves life behind. i feel like i'm at once living in both this life and one outside of it. dead and alive. gone but here. i'm conscious of my un-realness, of my un-reality.

i feel as vapors.

because most persons in the world look into an others eyes and see themselves.
because you look into the forest and see trees and not life.
because you only see the world through your eyes.
because you don't ever want to try to see through an others.
because the world is not the earth.
because the world is states and structures and society's ways.
because you could never reach out of your world to see the truth.
because you refuse to be anything other than what you have been presented with.
because even "alternative" lifestyles are just other limited options.
because the world is wrapped up in itself and its products.
because art, trades, money, celebrities and politics are the only things people have interest in.
because everything in this damned world breeds and feeds with and on each other in an endless incestuous, cannibalistic orgy.
because you let it happen.
because you only believe in solutions intellectuals and world leaders would have you believe.
because you let the earth and wildness die a little more every day.

fuck your world.
fuck you.

the homes we try to make,
they're just grasps at air that's not even there;
we're falling as if it were upward, with effort,
and clapping our teeth at the space surrounding
as if to bite off some breath.

we're building nothing.
that's exactly what our world is.

the places we connect,
they're as real as the holy books we read.
we're making ties to all these empty structures
and failing miserably in preserving life,
self-congratulating all the while.

we're finding nothing.
that's exactly what we've put faith in.
we're seeing nothing.
our eyes have been shut tight.

i'm finding the primal in myself.
i'm looking for meaning outside of this.
my ancestors are calling, and
the earth's heart and mine beat in sync.
these are the metal scales falling.
these are my eyes seeing the moon and the trees.
these are my memories so long forgotten,
remembering the savannas and the coasts.
this is my awakening.
i am the feral-born!
i am the front of remembrance!

to heed the call...
to embrace the wildness inside of me!

i want to...

i want to find meaning.
my heart is a pounding stampede.
i want to find something.
there's so much more to be felt.
i want to live again.
i want the earth to breathe back into me.
i want to be free again.
THE WILDNESS IS ME! THE WILDNESS IS ME!

so, Lindsae made me a wonderful MUSHROOM meal the other day. absolutely delicious. she made cream of mushroom soup, stuffed mushrooms, mashed potatoes with mushroom gravy, and portabello sandwiches. everything was so delectable. i imagine anyone with even just a mild liking of mushrooms may have been "mushroomed" out, but i was in bliss the whole time. everything was savory. the textures varied from the soft-fleshed, creaminess of the soup and gravy, each possessing its own unique flavors, to the juicy and firm portabello. the stuffed mushrooms were also very juicy but had a slightly thicker skin from being baked. the stuffing made the bite-size treats an herb and mushroom duet in my mouth. i loved every bit of it. i recommend such a meal to all mycophiles! thank you so much Lin-Lin! you're the best!

grave defilers
necrophiliacs
unholy pustules
the receptacle flows over
cups spilling over diarrhea
mouths spilling out diarrhea
minds full of filth
hearts full of lies
hail your symbols
hail your egos
hail your puppet god
hold fast to your cloth
while you're sodomized to death with a pew bench.

worthless fucking cowards.

these are just excerpts.
locks of hair and fingernail clippings.
tokens i can take to the memory bank.
i'll try to trade them in for anything.
i get shit.

fucking loads of it.

because all my life, in all its linear movement,
fills my dreams with looping frames of past.
a broken septic tank and reel waste.
oral seepage conversation fodder.
i talk shit.

fucking loads of it.

they were not my glory days.
they were my shortcomings.
every word fails me.
every feeling reminds me.
gems and aphorisms for eager ears.
it's worth shit.

fucking loads of it.

i wore a compass around my neck.
the great guide, it was a great burden.
you'd swear it pulled my eyes.
you'd swear it shamed me to no end.

you'd swear.
i wore my failures like sterling.

i wore a constant reminder.
next snow, i'd fly south,
like the birds with their hopes,
like the birds shot in flight.

i'd fly.
i'd fly the only way a dead bird can,

betrayed by its freedom.

Ambitions left me shining and polished,
a weight clinging to the ruins
of once both whispered and screamed Faith.

oh Holy, Holy.
Hosanna, hallelu.
oh Fallen, Fallen.
Gehenna, hallelu.

baptize me in the bitter, Southern lake.
baptize me in my passion.
i am the wayward Avian.
i am he who cast your direction aside.

was so much fun!

i had yet another amazing time with Lindsae and friends. Sierra and Terra and crazy. i love those kids. Cameron and i had a fight, and it was also great fun! it was all play, but he almost knocked the wind out of me with a knee to my gut. i got out of hand and slammed him down on his spine into the sidewalk. i could have fucked him up badly. that would have been horrible. Tony wasn't having the best time, but i think that's because he's been down lately. i hope things look up for him soon. he's a really great guy.

i look forward to every day with Lindsae. i know we'll be able to work through any differences we have, and i feel so fortunate that she listens and talks through things instead of huffing, puffing, and stamping off. she doesn't yell at me or constantly criticize me. she appreciates me for who i am. she really loves me. i think trusting her has been getting easier and easier every day. hopefully, some day, i won't have to trust her because i won't ever doubt her or worry about being hurt by her. she is so wonderful. i really don't understand how i am so fortunate to have a such a beautiful person in my life. i never knew she or what we have could ever exist. i love her with all of my heart. no part of me is reserved. she knows me and loves me completely. she's the best to ever happen to me in all my life. i've grown and learned so much in this time i've been with her. it seems like just yesterday we started hanging out, but as if ages have passed in the short time we've had together. i feel as if i have always known her in some way, deep within myself. she just had to be made flesh. those parts of me could finally be awakened.

i love her.

great, amazing news!

LINDSAE AND I ARE GETTING MARRIED!

bad news:

i'm currently in a horrible mood. i'm depressed, and i feel like i could cry right now. the shit of it is, i have no idea why and no real reason to be. what the fuck is going on with me? i have a sinking feeling inside me. i'm tired, but don't want to sleep. if i do, i'm afraid i'll wake up in a worse state than i'm already in. this doesn't make any fucking sense. i feel horrible about it too. Lindsae might feel like it's her fault or her responsibility to cheer me up. i don't know what can right now. i'm being a total dick. i wish someone would just hit me over the head with a shovel, in hopes i snap out of this. sometimes i just feel crazy.

just want to get out of here for a bit. i'm going through another period of hating the way my average day plays out. there's no direction, no accomplishment. i float from one waking hour to the next and slide through sleep without so much as a faint glimmer of a dream i can't remember. if i didn't have the determination to someday free myself of this mundane bull shit civilization and its monotonous, repetitive tasks we call living and the love of a wonderful person, who honestly is my only reminder that human beings are worth a fish's piss in the ocean, i would blow myself and this entire fucking town to smoldering bits of shit. (that was a fucking long sentence.) i'm fortunate to have some amazing friends, but i also know a lot of shitheads that i wish i didn't anymore.

i'm sick of:
egos
gossip
socialites
hipsters
liberal idiots
right wing fuckheads
"free spirit" christians
all christians really
trendy hardcore kids
punk and metal "bros"
being hated by womyn for being a man
being hated by men for thinking we're shitheads
homophobes
bigots
racists
yuppie hippies
upper class garbage
having to hide my sexuality from my father and brother
my mother pretending i never told her about it
apathy to the world's problems
apathy toward Gaia
my spirituality being misrepresented and misunderstood
religions
feeling like a hypocrite for living in this world i hate
my insecurities
deathcore
metalcore
objectivism in the hardcore/punk/metal communities/scenes
never being taken seriously
being judged constantly by people that have no place to judge
people talking shit about the person i love and/or me
people giving me shit for not being in a good mood all the time
having to work
capitalism
religious leaders
politicians
PEOPLE
CIVILIZATION


this list could go on for a long time. i'm just venting. i feel a little better, but i still want to kick in someone's face. fuck civilization. i can't wait for this all to come crashing down and burning into myth. fire and brimstone. i will not wear sackcloth and ashes for these cities and machines. i will not mourn. i'll rejoice the end.

i'm happier. i'm finally free to be myself completely. i've started new, and i have people that love me and just want me to be happy. no more proving anything or struggling to please people who want what's "best" for you instead of letting me decide that and trusting my decisions are my own. my reasons are mine. i don't have to justify them, and they are not up for examination. i know that i am not a victim. even in all that i've gone through in my life or any injury i've had done to me. i am responsible for myself, and i am responsible for rising above. i've definitely marred and scarred people along my path as well. no one is solely a victim. no one is solely a perpetrator. it is the motives and modes we operate under. i thought i was a terrible person for too long. i hated myself for causing pain, but it's a normal function of human existence. we are not designed to hurt others, but it is a fact of life that we harm and are harmed. it's an inescapable product of interaction. i was not malicious, and i did not have ill will. i have forgiven myself and moved on. if any person should so choose to hold this against me, they must know they have the right too, but i care not. i love who i am finally. i'm comfortable with me, and i'm willing to go forward with my life and do the things i had not wanted to do. i believe i've met someone very special, and she treats me very well. i have hope for us and my life, and hope is not something i've had in a long time. i'm finally open about who i am completely. i've even come out to most my friends about being a queer person. i've admitted to my attractions, and i feel very free. best of all, the person i'm finding i feel strongly for is completely supportive of who i am, and we want very similar things out of life. she makes me very happy, but most importantly, i'm happy nonetheless. if it doesn't work out, i'd be very sad, but my life could go on. i'm worth more than the value anyone else puts on me, including myself. one life. one chance.